Conversation with Joe

Joe and I had a great conversation on Mondaynight, April 13. We had a chance to talk about issues that are hard for us to express to each other normally, but this time neither one of us got defensive. I wanted to share with him how hard it is for me to cope with life alone. Few people know about struggles that Joe has had in the past. It makes it hard for me not to have anyone to talk with about what it is like to support a spouse through hard times since it's not my place to tell people that Joe has had a hard time. Joe was very empathetic with me and it really helped. We decided that we were allowed to tell eachother anything we wanted to and that there would be no guilt between us. I know I would feel a lot better if I knew when Joe was struggling and he knew when I was struggling instead of trying to protect the other person by keeping it from them. I have been wondering lately if I had truly forgiven Joe for the difficult times we had at BYU. I am frequently second guessing him. I'm not sure how to know the difference between when I have forgiven him and when I can trust him. He has only lied to me twice in our entire marriage and hasn't lied (that I know of) for at least three years. Yet, I am still worried that he may lie again. Yet I feel bad even thinking it because I am not perfect and I have more than enough faults to go around. So why do I constantly seek to be validated by him and have reassurance that he values our relationship? I was able to tell Joe all of these feelings and he never once got defensive. He was honest and helpful. I really feel like we made a huge step in our marriage. I have been praying for a very long time about how to improve our marriage.

I need something to strive for and perfection seems a long way off, so I use my vision of what a Mission President and wife need to be like. I want to be sure that my life is led in such a way that the Lord could call me to serve in any position and that I do not prevent it. To this end, Joe and I have worked dilegently to become good missionaries, to study our scriptures daily, pray, hold family home evening, and attend the temple. We are doing a good job and these things right now. However, I did not feel that our marriage relationship was exemplary enough to be around missionaries. So, I have been praying to discover how I can strengthen my marriage. I started by praying everyday to be "in love" with Joe. It wasn't that I didn't love him, but I wanted to hold to that fun love and not to have any risk of straying. I also prayed that I would see him as the Lord saw him and that I would see his perspective during disagreements and in how he acts. These two made a huge difference. Lately, I had the feeling that we should be intimate more often. Having sex is of course enjoyable, but we were in a classic situation where I never knew when he wanted to have sex. If I was too tired when he wanted to have sex then I felt bad because in the end I did want it too. I felt like I was playing the dating game with my husband, not knowing when, etc. While praying, I felt that we should schedule two days a week that we always set aside for our physical intimacy. I love it. I look forward to it and we both plan ahead so that the kids can be in bed, it's not too late, etc. I can't believe I thought that planning/scheduling it would take the fun out of it. Instead it has made life so much more enriching. It was funny when I first suggested it, Joe thought it was a great idea, but after the first week he thought it was too often. Funny, before hand I felt like he always wanted to have sex and I was saying no, now that we have a schedule he wasn't sure. We prayed and decided that it was right for our marriage. Now, as I said, it's great and we both look forward to those nights. And if things are going on, we can now talk about whtether or not to change when we have it. I now think it's rediculas that couples don't talk about when they want to have sex. Open communication makes life so much better.